CALLING ALL LAWYERS! World’s Richest Man Needs Legal Aid!

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(Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)

As my colleague Joe Patrice mentioned earlier, Elon Musk is looking for some JDs to help him through some legal troubles. Here’s a quick recap on what America’s Most Popular South African™ is looking for. Sorry, Trevor Noah.

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My commitment:

– We will never seek victory in a just case against us, even if we will probably win.

– We will never surrender/settle an unjust case against us, even if we will probably lose.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 20, 2022

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Looking for hardcore streetfighters, not white-shoe lawyers like Perkins or Cooley who thrive on corruption.

There will be blood.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 20, 2022

I will not pretend to be a Musk stan. And while he’s had some failures — a couple, actually — I refuse to fault a man for trying to build his own Heaven, with Teslas. So, as an olive branch to the man, I will compile a list of people I think he should either tap the shoulder of or use a bewitching branch on for aid. Maybe then he can work on a build that doesn’t suck eggs.

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Saul Goodman – I’m not saying Musk can call Saul. I’m saying he better do so. Mr. Goodman has done his fair share of defending those who’ve been in a bit of legal trouble and I wager his skill set would be just what the doctor ordered. Or electrician. I know you get what I’m putting down.

Mumen Rider – Musk is going to need a dedicated hero who will not back down from insurmountable odds and few show more dedication than One Punch Man’s C-rank hero Mumen Rider. He has also had many a fight in the street. Whether he’s won them or not is a different matter altogether.

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Static Shock – As Musk is radicalizing rightward before our very eyes on the platform he’s trying to buy, no accessory completes the wealthy right-leaning white dude who still wants to appear down to earth quite like a black friend.

#AMC Joint Venture @kanyewest @elonmusk pic.twitter.com/F50P6eEnd6

— somehow (@bgplka) May 20, 2022

Being photographed together is cool and all, but the only way to really excuse your casual racism is to have a few Black folks work for you too. Once you fix up the work environment, of course.  Who better to fill that fungible role than Static Shock? While he may not have a JD, technical backgrounds are loved by law school admissions councils. Just give him a few years and couple hornbooks for the ultimate payoff! Let’s be real — who better to know the current laws pertinent to Tesla litigation than the guy who can conduct currents? And with the way that legal work environments contribute to lower retention rates among Black lawyers, he won’t even have to deal with him for too long!

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Firms take a while to build, so please let us know at [email protected] if you would like to suggest a potential lawyer ready to lose their license, err, be a hardcore street fighter, on Musk’s behalf.

Please and thanks.

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Chris Williams became a social media manager and assistant editor for Above the Law in June 2021. Prior to joining the staff, he moonlighted as a minor Memelord™ in the Facebook group Law School Memes for Edgy T14s.  He endured Missouri long enough to graduate from Washington University in St. Louis School of Law. He is a former boatbuilder who cannot swim, a published author on critical race theory, philosophy, and humor, and has a love for cycling that occasionally annoys his peers. You can reach him by email at [email protected] and by tweet at @WritesForRent.

Topics

Elon Musk, Tesla