Help Wanted: Self-described GOAT law firm seeks associate with kindergarten-acquired skills, dial-up internet

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Law Firms Help Wanted: Self-described GOAT law firm seeks associate with kindergarten-acquired skills, dial-up internet

By Debra Cassens Weiss

December 13, 2022, 11:26 am CST

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A California law firm is looking for a real estate litigation associate fluent in Latin and the flexibility to work “extremely long hours” to handle “all work that the managing partner is simply too important to handle.”

It’s an impressive law firm, according to the humorous LinkedIn ad.

“Talkov Law has been consistently ranked as the greatest law firm of all time since its inception in 2020,” according to the job description. “All of our attorneys are retired justices from the U.S. Supreme Court and our law clerks can recite the Constitution by memory. We are looking to add a stellar attorney of equal caliber.”

The ad lists the direct report as a paralegal, “and, if you mess up, the managing attorney.”

The job entails research and writing “that the managing partner will take credit for if they are good and blame you for if the client loses the motion.” There will also be client consultations “to listen to irrelevant facts about a simple real estate matter.” The associate will be using “skills you learned in kindergarten such as collaboration and communication.”

Technology needed includes “dial-up internet or faster.” It’s a work-from-home position—hence the need “to not stand up while appearing remotely in court so that the judge doesn’t see your sweatpants.”

Talkov Law managing partner Scott Talkov told the ABA Journal in a Dec. 13 email that the five-lawyer firm has had 36 applicants so far. He has filled one position with a law grad who will be sworn in as a lawyer Dec. 15. He hopes to fill another position this month.

Talkov says the job post “was inspired by an extremely stuffy and self-important job post from a national law firm. … The BigLaw attitude of self aggrandizement is an underappreciated target for humor.”

The post was written by Talkov, recruiting director Layla Ong and associate Colleen Talkov.

“We have had applicants who said they weren’t looking for a job, but our sense of humor caught their attention,” Talkov says. “It’s important to be creative in this tight job market!”

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