It’s that time of year again! Time for the FedSoc faithful selected to clerk for the country’s most conservative jurists to sign up for the Heritage Foundation’s Judicial Clerkship Training Academy. It’s like Wet Hot American Summer, but with more LARPing as 18th century slaveholders.

Why is a staunchly ideological think tank hosting clerkship training? After all, didn’t John Roberts famously scold Donald Trump that “We do not have Obama judges or Trump judges, Bush judges or Clinton judges”? It’s almost as if that sentiment harkened back to an era before the conservative movement decided to turn the judiciary into a life tenured legislature for dismantling a century of social policy.

Besides, clerks need all the training they can get since the Republicans have decided they can get life-appointments to the federal bench a whole one year out of clerking these days.

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Frankly, I don’t even know how they whittle down the curriculum over there at Camp Lochner! Consider these fantastic panels that didn’t make the cut this year:

• Chevron? More Like ChevWRONG, Amiright?
• Should Your Draft Opinion Call The Majority Demonically Possessed Criminals? (Answer: You Betcha!)
• The Voting Rights Act: A Series Of Unfortunate Enfranchisements
• Finding Your One Black Friend: A Guide To Straw Man Argumentation
• COVID: Myth Or Fiction?
• Embracing Cancel Culture When It Comes To 50-Year-Old Precedent
• Arts And Crafts Hour: The Many Alternative Uses Of The Coat Hanger
• The First Amendment: The Freedom Of People Of All Faiths To Worship Jesus Christ

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And, of course, lunch will be provided. Jonathan Turley will host a culinary adventure around the world featuring chicken nuggets and freedom fries (Chick-fil-A, natch). After programming concludes, join us for the after party with our full dogwhistle orchestra.

Critics might brand these suggestions hyperbolic. But one of the actual panels is titled “Making Originalism Empirical” which way funnier than anything in the above list.

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Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

Topics

Clerkships, Courts, Heritage Foundation